Akikaze--Zen Mommy

Goodbye...and Hello.

2009-04-13T11:45:00.001-04:00

I really don't want to give up on my writing a blog. So, I have given myself the challenge of writing at least one post per week.

Gassho.

Ango: End of Week One

2008-09-06T22:15:00.005-04:00

So I have done the impossible (well, at least in my book), I have managed to sit zazen twice daily. The first several days proved difficult getting up at 6AM to do 30 minutes of zazen, then feed and dress Baby "D," dress and collect myself, drive Baby "D" to his caregiver, and drive myself to work and present a somewhat coherent woman. Then after 8 hours of work I did the reverse of my morning routine. Looking back at my first week, I accomplished more than when I was single and with no baby to care for. What did I do with all that free time?

For some reason unknown to me, Baby D has been going through his "mommy, mommy" phase this past week. Never did he show any signs of being attached to me or to my husband, but now I certainly cannot be out of his sight. I selfishly wonder if there is a correlation between this phase and my increase in practice. Does Baby D sense a change? I can say for a certain fact that for the first time since giving birth, that I have felt completely and utterly present as a parent to Baby "D." My attention is completely devoted to him and there is less static. Maybe there is something to this zazen practice after all.

Ango: Day One

2008-09-01T21:27:00.003-04:00

So, I have embarked on a Autumn ango. I have chosen to extend my sitting periods to twice a day. The morning sit will be 25 minutes long and the evening sit will last 30 minutes. So far so good and if I fall, my zafu will catch me ;)

One requirement of ango is to do a sesshin, which will be a bit cumbersome due to the fact that Baby D is going through his "mommy, mommy" phase and I have no clue what the maneuvers are in oryoki. It makes me wonder if this is worth it--sometimes mommy guilt is heavy.

See you tomorrow.

2008-08-08T21:22:00.002-04:00

So my teacher cancelled another sesshin. What to do? In my mind, I have kicked, screamed, and had an amazing tantrum, but in my heart I was sad. Was the end of the sangha near? One of the most popular teachings that I continually come across is the importance of being in the present moment. If the present moment is the most important moment, the most relevant moment, then am I throwing my practice and life away because I am waiting for the teacher to feel better and for the teacher's vision of a sangha to solidify?

Please don't tell me that I don't need a teacher to study the dharma, because I do and I am not going to debate. If your serious with your practice then you know that you can only go so far.

Right now, I will just keep breathing.

Void

2008-07-14T10:13:00.000-04:00

I can't believe how long it has been since I have last posted.

Conscious Brilliance: Autumn Beauty

2007-10-02T10:14:00.001-04:00

The birth of autumn is an event missed by many. Autumn reveals itself slowly, hovering on the edges of our consciousness until its crisp breezes are strong enough to pierce our summer clothing, and we notice for the first time the transformations taking place all around us. It is only when the last fruits and vegetables have emerged in the crisp tangy air and the trees have begun to deck themselves in shifting patterns of crimson and gold that we internalize that fall has indeed returned. Autumn is invigorating and a time to gather our thoughts, in the same way that we might once have collected crops. Just as animals collect acorns to store them, we reap the fruit of our accomplishments. Autumn also ushers in a new slowness of being for most of us, as the tone and tempo of our lives change along with those of all of Mother Earth's children.
As the days grow shorter and the blossoms that brightened our gardens through summer's heat begin to droop and wilt, we tend to acknowledge the changing season without understanding that we, too, are in transition. The brilliance of autumn's foliage, the flocks of southbound geese honking overhead, and the arrival of a bountiful harvest are all signs that our lives will soon be changing. Whether the season's cooler days are a prelude to a cold winter or a long stretch of sweater weather, we feel obliged to slow down and take stock of our lives. Autumn's pleasures and rituals revolve around the gathering of abundance in preparation for the winter to come. There is ample time to contemplate what we accomplished during the warmer seasons while tasting the year's first cider or breathing in the sweet fragrance of leaves breaking down. The same stirring that inspires animals to burrow deep into the earth compels us to celebrate the rich bounty we instinctively know will not appear again until springtime.
Appearances deceive in autumn. The transformations undergone by living beings seem much more like endings than the transitions they really are. Dormancy, not death, is the hallmark of fall. Your priorities will likely change as nature flares into sunset brilliance and then lapses slowly into slumber, but remember to rejoice in the beauty of nature where every finale serves as an overture for a new beginning.
(Taken from http://www.dailyom.com)

Snow, please.

2007-01-14T16:52:00.000-05:00

*Image taken from Hike Japan

Today is the 14th day of January and I have yet to see a snowflake, let alone snow. Here is to wishing for snow (not too much, not too little, just enough!).

Here in my arms

2007-01-04T09:57:00.000-05:00

"...All I ever wanted, All I ever needed, Is here in my arms..."
Enjoy the Silence, by Depeche Mode

Two weeks ago, my boss offered me a job that paid significantly more than what I am making now. This job would also mean a change in title, which did not concern me, because I have been performing in the higher paid job (as well as my own) for the last five months. We never had the chance to discuss the specifics and I decided to wait until after the New Year to mention the job and to begin the paperwork. These matters needed to be ironed out before I go out on maternity leave. I would also benefit from the higher salary on leave.

My boss not mentioning the job anymore caused me concern and my instinct was telling me something was amiss. When the boss finally arrived at work yesterday I asked what is the paperwork status on the position. The boss looked at me with uneasiness and said nothing was put through yet and we need to discuss some more things. When I asked when we could start these discussions, I was met with evasion. I let some time pass before I e-mailed the boss, who was now holed up in the office with the door closed, asking when we could discuss the offer that was made to me. Twenty minutes later, the boss calls in “second boss” and the boss shuts the door yet again. Of course I know the conversation is going to be about me.

When the boss finally comes out, I get served with a bunch of bologna mixed in with horseradish sauce. I was told that I was still being considered for the position and that nothing was finalized. Of course, I made my interjections about how I was already offered the job, but it did not matter. Did I mention that the boss told second and third boss and another staff member of my new position? Anyway, the boss promised we would meet tomorrow morning (January 4) and discuss the matter further. I felt calm and angry, if that is at all possible. I was thinking of the baby and trying to keep myself cool, calm, and collected.

Everything was OK until I woke up this morning. I had begun to spot and have cramps. After a quick call to the doctor and a visit to the maternity ward, they did not think I was in pre-term labor, but I was told to take off the next several days as a precautionary measure. Although I was scared of what was happening and how yesterdays event may have inspired my medical scare, I realized what was most important was the baby, my husband, family, and friends. I knew this all along, of course, but sometimes it helps to stare not at the finger but rather at the moon. Everything I could ever need or want is already here and also soon to be sleeping quietly in my arms.

Thank you for reading and your practice.

(P.S. The boss never showed up to work this morning.)

213

2006-11-18T20:47:00.000-05:00

The following exchange took place between my sleeping husband and myself during the early hours of the morning:
"213" sleeping husband says.
"213, what?"
"213, the current price of gas."

Moments like that bring a smile to my face. Always.

Aurora Picture

2006-09-09T23:41:00.000-04:00

This picture titled Green Aurora Over Lake Superior was photographed by Jeff Hapeman.
No words, no sound, no thoughts, no feelings - just this.

I'm moving

2006-08-17T21:55:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the lack of updates. I sincerely hoped that with this new blog, my postings would be delivered in a fairly regular basis. I was dead wrong, but I will not give up on this blog just yet.

I never got a job in the library. There are no library jobs available in or around the area in which I live in. Since my commutes in the past have been at least 45 minutes, I promised myself that the longest commute I will even consider (since moving to a new state) is 25 minutes. I did eventually accept a government job in a records management capacity. Management is very nice and the coworkers are decent. The actual job itself deserves its own entry or two.

We finally closed on a house this week and are now in the middle of moving our stuff (err, crap) to the new abode. It is truly amazing how much little stuff one needs in order to survive.

There is also more news, but will not be told until the next entry. Smile.

Heart
Drifting like white clouds from beginning to end - a thing of mystery is this heart.
-Rengetsu

Graduation

2006-06-22T21:35:00.000-04:00

After three years of slaving away in graduate school I finally graduated with my MLS. On graduation day panic descended upon me: What do I do now? It has been a long time since I was not in school, thus, I am used to experiencing fleeting moments of stress and anxiety with regard to schoolwork and other peripheral worries. A high percentage of my time in school was spent PLANNING my free time. All the instruments and languages I would learn, new hobbies to start, and more time for zazen. Actually, I was more active in my imaginary free time than I am now.

My goal throughout school was that I would find myself in a decent job after I graduated. I imagined myself working in a library surrounded by people (staff and patrons alike) who loved books and learning. Oh, what a merry time I would have! Instead, I find myself not working in a library and working in a field somewhat removed from my studies. I have applied for jobs in libraries, but I have yet to hear back from any.

Incidentally, my zazen practice still has not been any better. My concentration is horrible and I feel like every second on the cushion is spent rehashing what went on at work. Perhaps I should start sitting in the morning rather than in the evening.

Expect Everything

2006-05-27T22:17:00.000-04:00

As I was leaving Penn Station the other day, I noticed an immense advertisement perched above of a building. The sign, in insolent, white lettering, stated “Expect Everything.” The statement weighs itself down beginning with the letter e and ending with the letter g. Buddhism teaches us to expect nothing; the phrase is that simple and that complex. As I understand it, to expect nothing means to take things as they appear because desire will bring pain when unfulfilled. Why should expect everything be different? How is the phrase different? The phrase is filled with unforeseen desire, sadness, pain, and anger. Its beginning and ending is held in suspended animation that promises, but rarely, delivers. In addition, when the phrase is used within a consumerist context the phrase becomes an anchor weighing both seller and buyer with unfulfilled expectations. Expect everything is a subtle and powerful phrase.

Initially, as a so-called Buddhist, the phrase did make me chuckle. It opposes virtually everything I have read and learned about Buddhism. I do not want to spend all time immemorial pondering the phrase’s philosophical and religious complexities, but I believe the expect everything advertisement deserves, at the very least, a journal entry.

Yes!

2006-05-02T22:17:00.000-04:00

Just thought I would post the fact that I sat today and it was a very good sit.

Thank you.

Where art thou, June?

2006-05-01T21:34:00.000-04:00

June is a pivotal month in this blogger's life. Here is yet another list of all the happenings...

-I graduate and will finally be done with my Master's Degree..
-I will (hopefully) start my new job.
-My husband and I will start looking to buy a house.

So if this list does not serve as an excuse for the lack of postings, I do not know what will. I knew that the months from January to June would prove to be extra stressful, but I also counted on my daily zazen sittings to help me through this stage. The truth is my sittings have been disgraceful. Sometimes I go two to three days before I actually sit, and when I do finally sit, it is as if I have never sat before and I have to start from the very beginning. It is very frustrating and I cannot see my way out of this forest that is filled with guilt and endless beginners sittings.

I have made a promise that I will find the time and space to sit tomorrow. I do not want to think about Wednesday, Thursday, or this weekend. Just tomorrow.

In gassho.

What Are You Not Doing?

2006-04-03T19:24:00.000-04:00

Saw a post about doing nothing at PaperFrog.com. It inspired me to create a list

-Not working on my thesis/project
-Not feeling well
-Not cooking dinner

Sigh.

What are you not doing?

-A.

Kind Words

2006-03-29T22:13:00.000-05:00

"One kind word can warm three winter months."

—Japanese Proverb

Dealing with my (insert vice or problem here).

2006-03-06T23:23:00.000-05:00

I do not know if having a lot of motivation will be enough for me to get my research project submitted and approved before graduation. Perhaps having a lot (err, tremendous supply) of motivation, in addition to the strength of fighting my eternal habit of procrastination and fear, will be sufficient for me to write and actually do the project.

Have I mentioned my lifelong habit of procrastination? I know my avoidance in completing tasks is because of my fear of failure. Procrastination is a demon that I am very well acquainted with and this demon is growing larger (and more overpowering) as the hours pass and graduation is imminent. The “demon” elicits such a powerful feeling of helplessness and anxiety that I do not want to face it. How can I give so much power to something that is not tangible and only exists in my own mind?

There is nothing that anyone can do to help me. The problem and answer lie within me.

But, how do I face it?

How do you face your demons?

Back to the zafu.

My research project

2006-03-02T17:01:00.000-05:00

One of the requirements in completing a master's degree is a thesis/research project. My school likes to call it a simple research project because we do not have to defend the paper in front of a panel. My fellow academic peers and I still consider it our "thesis," because it is a very long paper that must be approved by our advisor before we graduate.

This paper is what I am working on this glorious spring semester, which will hopefully be my final one in graduate school. I am beginning to feel the stress and I am trying to find ways to cope. I find that meditation works especially well in times of stress, which is why I have not wavered from my daily zazen.

I really do not have any more to write, but I will keep you updated.

Nor'easter 2006

2006-02-12T22:33:00.000-05:00

Snow snow everywhere and not a moment to think.

Happy shoveling.

Stacks and Stacks

2005-12-26T17:59:00.000-05:00

This is moving week! The hubby and I are in the midst of packing all of our belongings. Well, I'm the one doing all the packing and the hubby's friends will do the actual lifting, which is fine with me.

It is amazing how much stuff two so-called minimalists can hoard. Bag upon bag filled with junk heading to the dumpster. Despite all the annoyances associated with moving, I consider the packing and trashing of crap (err, stuff) to be a sort of psychological cleansing. I am forced to deal with my attachment to the stuff by making the decision to trash or pack. That would be an excellent name for a reality/game show “Trash or Pack” where the contestant scores points by how much stuff is discarded.

Year-end thoughts

2005-12-24T00:30:00.000-05:00

The last couple of months have been very interesting. My grandfather passed away, my mother had major surgery, I attended my first sesshin, got an internship in an archive, quit my job, and was accepted to be a senior zen student.

Wow. How could four months be filled with extreme hapiness and pain?

I don't know the answer, but I do know that I am damn tired :)

Happy Thanksgiving

2005-11-23T15:56:00.000-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving!

*Image from http://www.edenpics.com*

Good evening.

2005-11-15T19:04:00.000-05:00

This is a test post. Please ignore.